The Seeker of Peace


Feeling Special
October 31, 2008, 7:05 am
Filed under: Non-duality, Suffering | Tags: , ,

I’ve been suffering another flare-up of my Crohn’s Disease. As I lay in bed this morning, unable to sleep, I suddenly had a powerful insight.

In the non-dualistic view, we all share the same underlying perfection. It’s our egos that create the illusion of separation. That means that none of us is special – any feeling along that line is just the ego’s hubris. This seems like something that should have been obvious to me long ago, but I never thought of it in that way.

My illness is something my ego clings to because it makes me special. It gets me sympathy, gives me an excuse not to do many things, and provides a distinctive part of my identity. Don’t get me wrong: if I could make it go away, I would. However, there’s a major part of ego wrapped up in having it.

I’ve been focusing on the positive things that make me feel special, such as my skills, possessions, and accomplishments. I hadn’t thought through how negative things make me feel special in exactly the same way. Again, it seems obvious now.

Anything that makes me feel special is an ego-reinforcing mechanism. I may not be able to do anything about my illness, but I can let go of judging it. It’s no more important than any other illusion, and is just more fodder for ego self-reinforcement.

I plan to create a list of all the things that make me feel special, whether positive or negative. That would then tell me where I’m still making strong judgments about myself.

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